Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
