I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
