wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
