she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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