Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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