Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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