dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
