At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
