I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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