i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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