new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
