I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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