I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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