I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
