I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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