Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
