Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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