bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize