I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
