this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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