when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize