I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
