I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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