yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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