I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
