im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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