Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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