It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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