Pappa wants mamma naked
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
