Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
