I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
