Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
