I am in a vortex of obligation.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
