Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
