Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
