im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
