Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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