I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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