toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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