My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize