I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just blew my weed a kiss
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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