Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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