Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
