She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
