She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
