seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
