Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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