Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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