for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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