hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
