Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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