Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
