i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
