before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
