If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
