I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
