I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
