Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
